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We tripped on the urge to feel alive... [entries|friends|calendar]

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[thu sep 3rd, 2009]
I never thought home would actually feel like home. For so long I've thought I was better than small town life. And now here I am on my way to get the keys for my new place in dublin and I'm dreading going back. I know I'll settle in and it will be great but when I go home. It fits too and I think right now it fits more than dublin. I don't want this to be about a boy, and its not really. Though the prospects of something happening with him make me smile like you wouldn't believe. Its more everything. Its the boy, its the idea of not seeing tiernan every day and seeing him become a proper little person, its nights like last night lying on the couch watching movies in turtles house and knowing the bouncer in benedicts and getting in for free and having fun with the girls in work. The last few years summer was something I had to suffer through to get backj to dublin but this year I built a life for myself and I dread the thoughts of things changing again. I like how they are and I'm not ready for it to be over yet

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Hell or glory, I don't want anything in between.... [tue aug 18th, 2009]
Me: If you don't want a relationship, you're automatically called a slut. It's hard to find an in between.
J: Why listen to people who would call you a slut?
Me: I don't. But for myself, I don't want to sleep around, but I suck at relationships.
J: I sabotage my almost relationships. I seek attention but don't like the feelings it brings.
Me: Your feelings or theirs?
J: Feelings in general. They are scary so I don't deal with them. I never really have.
Me: That actually makes sense to me. I have a horrible habit of getting with people who like me more than I like them, because I like the attention, but I end up hating the feelings.
J: I'm impressed you get it :)
Me: Well yeah I get it, it's why I suck at relationships. I don't want to hurt the person, but I'm obviously not ready to be with someone properly yet. Doesn't mean I don't love the idea of it though.
J: Ha ha, everyone loves the idea of love!
Me: Very true, but obviously something is holding us back.
J: Self doubt is a good one, feel like you're not good enough or don't deserve it, or plain old fear that love hurts.
Me: You should always believe you're good enough.
J: Should and are be two different things, night x
Me: Night x

He continues to surprise me, and show me depths I never imagined.
I can't help but feel like he was telling me that nothing is going to happen with us.
And I can't help but feel like he's worth pushing through for.
Everyone has an opinion about what's going on and what he's thinking.
For my part, I want to stop thinking and start being scared with him.

I'll shine for you, yeah I'll shine for you, that's what I'll do... [tue aug 18th, 2009]
[ mood | enthralled ]


This is the moment I fell in love.
It amazes me that anything can be so small, and so perfect.

2 read / comment!

A little bit longer and I'll be fine... [sun jun 7th, 2009]
[ mood | melancholy ]

She knows she is young, rather than feels it. She wonders sometimes, how things ended up this way, this constant humdrum repetitiveness of life, wearing her down before she even noticed it happening. She used to dream. She still does. She used to think they’d come true. She knows now they won’t. She knows they won’t because she’s stopped trying to make them.
She spent her youth wishing she was somewhere, anywhere , else. She had these expectations of an exciting life filled with amazing things. She would have the kind of love affairs that people wrote songs about. She would cry and she would laugh. But she’d never merely exist.
She never thought that in her early twenties, she would feel this damn old. She imagined writing books, pages and pages of her eloquent, interesting thoughts, about her incredible, exciting life.
She would be pretty.
She would be smart.
She would fall in love (she would have her heart broken).
She wouldn’t live happily ever after. She knew even then that there was no such thing.
But the important thing was that she would live.
She always imagined watching a concert from the sidelines, feeling so in the moment that the crowd could be screaming for her.
She always imagined dancing in her bare feet, and not caring who was looking on.
Spending hours just holding someone’s hand, and having them be the best hours she’s spent.
She would find herself through her experiences, and life a life of art in the process. There would be parties and friends and jokes and tears. There would be freedom. She would leave her fingerprints on the whole world, and she would never let anything take away her wings.
But then, she grew up.
She works in a job she tolerates, to struggle to pay the bills. She only tolerates it because she does not have the energy to hate it.
She doesn’t write anymore, though sometimes her fingers itch with the urge. Blank pages remain blank, as she has no stories or words to fill them.
She still dreams extravagant dreams. She’ll move to the beach where she’ll read poetry and listen to music and watch the waves.
She’ll follow a band on the road, and have the summer of a lifetime doing it. But the music is hollow to her now, she cannot relate to a life put to music, not like she used to when she could believe in those dreams.
She cannot claim contentment. She cannot claim depression. All she can claim, is to simply exist, whatever that is. And silently she screams for change, as the world moves past her window.
There’s got to be more to life than this.


One day we'll get nostalgic for disaster.... [fri jun 5th, 2009]
There is something about this time of year that always makes me think of you. It's your birthday soon, and I've been listening to all of our old songs. In a few weeks, it would have been 5 years, and I can't help but wonder if things were different, would I be celebrating this one with you.

Doesn't really matter anyway, because I'm happy where I am.

Still though, I can't help but wonder.
4 read / comment!

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